TWO RELATIONSHIP STAGES YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT
Relationships are a journey, and part of the fun is learning about your partner and co-creating experiences together that strengthen your bond. But as every couple knows, relationships are marked by ups and downs. It’s common for couples to experience a lot of “ups” in the early stages of a relationship when there’s a spark of passion and excitement. As a relationship ages, however, the initial excitement that defines early stages of a relationship settles into a more stable, friendship-like bond as you see a partner through all four seasons.
Passionate love and companionate love are two relationship stages that you’ll encounter if you’re with a partner for longer than one year. Both stages are important in an evolving relationship, and both are informed by hormonal, biological changes in our brains that can help maintain deep bonds over time.
What is the passionate love stage?
Pop culture bombards us with countless stories of passionate love, whether its pop songs describing the rush of meeting a handsome stranger, the racing thoughts that keep us up at night, and the anticipation of seeing a crush.
During this stage you become attached to your partner. You think about them all the time and count down the hours until you can see them again. The authors of Love Sense describe this as the “spellbound” phase, when passion aligns with sexual connection, attachment, and longing. It’s also sometimes known as limerance: new relationship energy involving a physical and mental high that eventually matures as we get to know people.
A rush of feel-good chemicals floods the brain to fuel the passionate love stage. It’s been scientifically proven that your brain in this stage of a relationship is similar to a brain on drugs. When your attraction to someone grows, it activates the dopamine-rich reward system in your brain, the same one that houses addictive behavior and drives us to seek pleasure, excitement, and novelty.
Two other neurotransmitters - serotonin and oxytocin - also play a role in this romantic, neurological cocktail. Serotonin plays a key role in our moods and emotions, and it can fluctuate a lot when you first fall in love. When you feel like you can’t stop thinking about someone, your serotonin levels increase in the same way that researchers have seen in people who have obsessive compulsive disorder.
Oxytocin is both a neurotransmitter (it communicates with the brain and nervous system) and a hormone (it communicates with the organs). It’s widely known as the “bonding neurotransmitter,” and it courses through your body when you lock eyes with a new love and after sexual intercourse. Oxytocin makes you feel close and safe with a person.
The passionate love stage does have a dark side, however. This rush of dopamine-induced brain activity can result in rose-colored glasses that can blur your partner’s flaws and make them look like ideal humans.
What is the companionate love stage?
We all know that the honeymoon phase of relationships doesn’t last forever. When it tapers off, it’s replaced by a comfortable feeling more akin to deep, reliable friendship. In fact, most long-term relationships remain in this phase for the majority of a couple’s time together.
The oxytocin that builds during the passionate love stage lays the foundation for a stable bond that characterizes the companionate love stage. According to Love Sense, oxytocin turns off threat detector the amygdala as well as the hypothalamic pituitary adrenal axis - the get up for a challenge part of our nervous system - and turns on the calming parasympathetic nervous system (94).
The companionate phase helps you see your partner clearly for who they are, without the rose-colored glasses, and it leads to a more balanced mindset wherein a couple continues to bond over feelings of security, stability, and trust.
How do I keep from getting bored in the companionate love stage?
The primary concern of many couples who have been together for years after the initial passionate love phase is how to keep the relationship fun, interesting, and stimulating–and this is where the real work of love comes in.
At this stage it’s important to make time for your partner in the same way you did during the passionate love phase. Consider planning a weekly date night; making time for physical intimacy; or pursuing a new hobby together. Taking the time and effort to show your partner you appreciate them and want to have fun with them is key to ensuring the companionate stage stays just as interesting as the passionate love phase!
