WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT AI IN DATING

All companies, including dating app giants like Match Group, Inc., are trying to cash in on the unrelenting wave of AI that’s overtaken nearly every aspect of our lives. Whitney Wolfe Herd, founder and former CEO of Bumble, made headlines in 2023 for declaring that in the future, daters will use AI dating concierges to go on “virtual” dates for them before selecting the best users to meet in person. But when it comes to dating and relationships, what are the benefits and drawbacks of AI, and who benefits from using it? 

How are dating apps currently using AI?

Most dating apps already use some form of AI to make connections between users, specifically in the form of algorithms that learn from your behavior. Tinder tracks your every swipe, message, and interaction to determine what profiles to show you (and what profiles you’ll never see). Dating app companies are notoriously secretive about their algorithms, so we’ll never know the exact formula they use to match you with other users, but we do know that platforms like Tinder and Hinge establish paywalls that promise users better connections if they pay more money. Ultimately, the algorithm “improves” when you throw more money at it. 

Bumble uses AI to protect its users from the rampant deception and misrepresentation that has become a hallmark of dating apps. It launched Deception Detector ™ in 2023 to weed out fake profiles and protect users from scam accounts by automatically blocking them. 

But there are also dating apps whose very functionality is based in AI. Iris Dating uses the science of physical attraction to find a mate. In the words of founder Igor Khalatian, the app is based on an “instinctive reaction” that users have while viewing a profile photo. The app shows you dozens of different faces to learn what kinds of features you like, and applies that knowledge to finding the users who match your visual preferences. 

Volar uses AI to take the awkwardness out of a first date conversation. When you create your profile and answer questions, it creates an AI version of you that has conversations with other AI profiles. Volar tracks all of your text-based idiosyncrasies (the words you commonly misspell, the emoji you use, and your punctuation patterns) to mimic your voice and tone in writing. Then, it hosts conversations between your profile and others to determine who is worth meeting in person.

The drawbacks to Iris and Volar are pretty clear. Iris only exacerbates the superficiality of online dating, and the conversations generated by Volar are based only on the (mainly) superficial items that are featured on a dating app profile, like favorite movies or travel spots. Neither platform promises any meaningful connections based on unique traits, experiences, or shared values.   

What are the benefits of AI in dating?

Making the first move is daunting for many people, but AI in dating apps can solve that with messaging functions that ease the burden of initial communications. Volar, mentioned above, specializes in exactly that, but other apps like RIZZ bill themselves as AI dating assistants that can help with prompts, bios, and replies to boost your chances of a witty in-app convo leading to an in-person meetup.

Some daters also use ChatGPT as an all-around dating and relationship coach. In the CNN Podcast “Terms of Service,” Grace Clarke describes using ChatGPT as an unbiased sounding board for all her dating and relationship questions. Clarke has trained her chatbot to answer her questions using information from relationship experts like Esther Perel, and she even copies and pastes text message exchanges into ChatGPT to help decipher sometimes mystifying communications with potential suitors. For Clarke, ChatGPT has helped train her brain to be more open to different dating options, be less defensive, and break out of bad dating habits.  

What are the consequences of AI in dating apps?

The consequences of using AI dating apps, or AI for dating generally, are the same as using AI for anything else; ie, the environmental degradation necessary for powering, cooling, and maintaining these data centers. Literally every time you use AI, you’re wasting water and electricity. 

Aside from killing the planet, one of the main issues with AI in dating is privacy. We know very little about how companies use our information for dating app algorithms, and we know even less about how they train their AI bots on the information we provide in our dating app profiles. 

Everything you write in your bio, your messages and replies, your preferences are fodder for dating app AI. So the clever one-liner you thought of during an in-app conversation could be used as an AI-prompted reply that a less clever user will copy and paste into a chat. Your photo and likeness can also be used by the dating app companies to create AI bot accounts that make it seem like there’s always more users on the platform to possibly connect with. 

When you incorporate AI into your dating life, you’re likely to run into the same issues that already pervade all activities and functions linked to AI, like racial biases and stereotypes. This is especially worrisome for Asian-American men and African-American women, two demographics who are statistically more likely to be on the receiving end of sexualized racism on dating apps (see Not My Type: Automating Sexual Racism in Online Dating).  

What impact will AI have on our relationships? Should I get into a relationship with a bot?

The more we use AI, the more we develop a relationship with it. We get better at relationships by actually interacting with people, in person, on a regular basis. You can’t cuddle with AI, make out with AI, eat a meal with AI, or dance with AI. This technology lacks the thing that makes human relationships so fulfilling: mutuality.  

Who benefits from AI in today’s dating landscape?

The CEOs of companies who code, produce, and create AI systems, and the people who own, maintain, and run the data centers that power AI are the only beneficiaries of AI in dating. AI and its tech overlords promise a lot, but ultimately cannot provide necessary human connection in an increasingly lonely, disconnected world.