YOUR BLUEPRINT FOR DATING COACHING

If you’ve been out of the dating game for a while, dating coaching is a great way to gain confidence and learn more about what you want from a relationship. “Know thyself” (a Socratic philosophical dictum that encourages continuous self-discovery) is key to a successful approach to dating, and dating coaching is a process that guides you in discovering who you are as a dater and what you need from a relationship. The overall purpose of dating coaching is to help you gain confidence in the ever-changing dating landscape, and by confidence, I simply mean “a willingness to try.” And Lord knows everyone needs a willingness to try when it comes to dating!

Dating coaching is also a great entry point into matchmaking, which can seem daunting because it’s a major time and financial investment. Dating coaching bridges the gap between where you stand in your life now (ie, feeling rusty or unsure about embarking on a dating journey) and your future goals (ie, pursuing a fulfilling, healthy relationship).

As a dating coach, I develop individualized plans that align with each client’s unique history, present circumstances, and future goals. While every client may be different, I have a dating coaching blueprint that I adapt to serve each unique client. This blueprint includes themes like increasing self-knowledge, improving communication, getting out of your comfort zone, and setting realistic relationship goals. Consider dating coaching as an investment in your future – a future of mutually fulfilling, healthy, and fun relationships. 

Build Self-Knowledge

One of the keys to establishing and maintaining a solid partnership is understanding what you bring to the table as a partner: What motivates you? What are your vulnerabilities and strengths? In the book Wired for Love, Stan Tatkin explains that “most partners audition for relationships fully unaware of who they are and who they are wired to relate to in a committed couple universe. As in all auditions, they endeavor to put themselves forward in the best light” (46). Putting yourself forward in the best light is much easier when you know who you are and what you’re looking for. 

To gain the self-knowledge necessary for positive dating experiences, your coaching curriculum will address your dating history, attachment style, and life experiences that have shaped how you relate to others, and yourself. 

The better knowledge you have about yourself, the more likely you are to treat yourself well, leading to a greater sense of self-compassion: an interpersonal tool necessary when navigating the inevitable bumps on the road to success in dating. Fostering a strong sense of self-compassion also means that you will be less likely to put up with bullshit along the way!

Improve Communication Skills

As you develop a solid understanding of who you are and what you’re looking for in a relationship, you also get to apply this new-found confidence to communicating with new people. 

This aspect of dating coaching covers how to approach conversations with new people and ask good questions that engage potential matches. After all, the questions we ask change the world we see, so the communication aspect of dating coaching guides you in asking the right questions during first date conversations so you can better determine whether or not you’re down for a second date. 

But talking is just part of it: there are nonverbal cues and strategies that can take your dating game to the next level. Much of our communication is nonverbal. We’re constantly reading facial expressions, monitoring vocal tone, and evaluating physical cues like posture and gaze. Knowing how to interpret these nonverbal cues, and gaining a self-awareness of the cues you may be signalling subconsciously, can give you important information about how a prospective match feels about you, and how you feel about them. 

Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

It’s easy to fall victim to bad dating habits and counterproductive relationship patterns. Dating coaching can help you break out of those patterns not only by building communication skills and self-knowledge, but also by participating in new activities that take you out of your comfort zone. 

Making a habit of getting out of your comfort zone can lead you to approach dating with a greater sense of openness and curiosity; and, it could even help you in relating more closely with different kinds of people because you’ve had new and different kinds of experiences. 

Getting out of your comfort zone could mean taking a rock climbing class, going to an art exhibit, or visiting a different part of the city. The point here is that after you’ve done something that feels kind of intimidating (with the guidance of your dating coach, of course!), you’ll feel less anxious about dating. This aspect of dating coaching can also include mock dates where you get feedback on your conversation style, wardrobe and makeup, eye contact, and even mannerisms. 

One of the benefits of dating coaching is breaking limiting beliefs that may be holding you back from bringing your best self into the dating scene. Not only will new and challenging experiences give you a fun story to share on a first date, but they will also encourage a quality of openness that many potential partners will find attractive.  

Set Realistic Relationship Goals

Once you’ve experimented with new challenges, mock dates, and found new ways to approach and interact with people, you can combine these experiences into better understanding what you want and don’t want from a relationship. That’s why dating coaching focuses on helping you set realistic relationship goals.

My approach to this part of the dating coaching process is informed by the work of Lily Womble’s Date Brazen philosophy. Womble asks the question “How do you want to feel in a relationship?” as the launch pad for discovering your relationship style. The process of answering this question can help you discover what’s most important for you in a relationship: do you need stability, comfort, and security? Or do you need more adventure and spontaneity? Figuring out what feelings you want to experience in a relationship can help you filter out who will be the best partner for you.  

This part of the dating coaching process is an opportunity to challenge some of the relationship myths that pervade our society and cause confusion - like the fact that there’s one soul mate for everyone; or that your primary partner needs to fulfill all your needs as a human being.